Remorse
by Jerathai
Summary: After the Great Sorrow had ended and Eywa had transferred Jake into his Avatar body permanently, Neytiri had a very great deal to answer for....
1. Chapter 1

Jake was exhausted; they all were. Once the hunters had located the new Hometree, the Omaticaya had been working to their utmost. He looked at all the racks of smoking and drying meat and said yet another silent and fervent thanks to Eywa because of the breathing space it represented.

His adopted clan had counted nearly 1,500 members before the original Hometree had fallen. That event had claimed a full fifth of the tribe. There had been oldsters who could not move quickly, children and infants, young adults who had been too high up in the Tree to get out in time, and all those like Eytukan who had been killed on the ground. The hunter / warriors had been just over ten percent of the tribe; between the destroyed Hometree and the Great War, a scant third of them were left. Jake had only fifty or so hunters left to provide for over a thousand people.

Those hunters were pushing themselves and their mounts to their limits. It had taken three full days of constant flying to ferry everyone and their belongings from the Tree of Souls to the new Hometree. Jake had insisted that they split their numbers in half; one to guard the new Tree and let their ikran rest while the other half ferried a load of people in. Then they would switch off. The elder warriors – those that were left – were impressed with his foresight.

Now, at last, the People were situated. _And dog tired,_ Jake thought to himself. It had taken more than a day of bloody, backbreaking work to butcher the sturmbeest herd that Eywa had provided for them. His decision to keep half the hunters here at all times had been more than justified. _Nothing like the smell of fresh blood to bring the scavengers in,_ he thought wryly. His hunters' bows had not been idle; more than sturmbeest hung from the drying-racks.

He'd felt incredibly guilty when he'd woken up and discovered he'd slept through the entire day following the transfer into his Avatar body while the Omaticaya worked. Neytiri had told him firmly that not a single Na'vi begrudged him the rest and that his first duty to the people was to recover his strength. He'd eaten ravenously – and then fallen asleep again. So he'd felt even more strongly the need to help out once he'd awoken on the second morning of his new life.

A hand waved at him from within the forest of drying-racks; Mo'at emerged and walked towards him. He was relieved to see some peace in the tsahik's face; she'd apparently come to terms with herself over Eytukan's death.

"Jake!" she called, "Come speak with me!" He obediently fell in step with his mother in law as she drew him away, out of earshot of the others. Concern showed in her face. "Has everyone been accounted for?"

He nodded wearily. "Ma'sa'tu's group is at the camp making sure nothing that we can use has been left behind, but the last group of young children and mothers came in this morning."

Mo'at nodded in approval. "Then the time has come for you to go."

Jake was certain he'd heard wrong. "I don't understand."

His mother in law took his upper arm and spoke earnestly. "Jake, there is pain between you and my daughter that must be healed, and soon." She looked into his eyes with concern, "I see it in her face. The longer it stays, the more it will poison her heart." He closed his eyes and exhaled. He'd seen it too, there had just been too damned much to do during their waking hours and too much exhaustion at night to be able to address it.

Mo'at let his arm go and continued. "It is the custom of the people that when a man and woman first mate that they go apart for a time. We believe that a person grows, changes when they take a mate. They no longer think the same way, act the same way, see things the same way as they did before." Jake nodded. It made sense.

"So," the tsahik said "they go apart for a time to learn themselves, and each other." Grief and regret appeared momentarily in her eyes. "If the Great Sorrow had not come the very day after you and Neytiri took each other as mates, if you had had that time to learn her, and us, we might have listened to you better when you tried to warn us."

He laid a hand on his mother-in-law's shoulder and said quietly "What has happened cannot be changed. Those who are gone live in Eywa now, and we can only be grateful that She has saved so many."

Mo'at brushed away a tear and nodded. "So. The Omaticaya are here, and have much work to do." She looked behind her at her fellow clan members. "They need work, to keep their minds and hands busy." Her attention came back to the Olo'eyctan. "And you and my daughter are not needed for a time. Take Neytiri and go, for two hands of days. Clear the pain between you before it grows too great. Take time to learn each other, and come back to us with peaceful hearts." He nodded agreement and watched as she turned and went back to the drying-racks.

The next morning, Jake simply took Neytiri's hand and walked her to their ikran as soon as they had eaten. To everyone's astonishment, a wild ikran had accompanied his when he'd called his friend to begin ferrying people to the new Hometree. He was shocked and delighted after he'd made tsahaylu with his ikran to discover that the wild one was his friend's mate – and that his mate had _volunteered_ to be Neytiri's new mount. The People were astounded; nothing like this had ever happened before. But no one was inclined to look a gift ikran in the mouth, as it were.

So they mounted up and Jake directed them to the Hallelujah Mountains, to one of the floating islands that Mo'at had described and recommended. As soon as they'd landed, Jake patted his friend's neck and sent it off. The beast was delighted to be in its native territory and thrilled that they would stay there for several days. It nudged his hand happily, then flapped off with its mate in tow.

Neytiri, standing before him, was not happy; she looked about to burst into tears. _Mo'at was right,_ he thought to himself, they needed to clear the air between them, fast. He walked over to his mate with love in his eyes, took her into his arms, and gently kissed her. She pulled back afterwards, the threatened tears making her eyes shine, and said "Jake…."

He put a finger to her lips to stop her and looked up to survey the area. There was an ideal place to sit just a short distance away. He took her hand and led her there. Jake sat, gently tugging on her hand until she sat between his legs. He encircled her shoulders with one arm and with the other reached behind him for his queue. He brought it forward, saying "It's been too long."

Neytiri brought her own queue forward slowly, not eager to share the guilt and pain she felt but knowing that it needed to be done, and touched her queue end to his. The tendrils intertwined, connecting their sensory nervous systems. She was in misery with guilt and remorse, and Jake – was full of love for her. It undid her completely, and the dam burst. "Jake, I was so bad to you. I didn't trust you, I pushed you away. The clan threw you out, almost killed you because of my words…."

Everything she had kept bottled up inside came spilling out. Jake put both arms around Neytiri and pulled her to his chest, rocking her gently and letting her get it all out of her system. Her greatest fear, the one behind all the others, was that he would not desire her any longer. How well he knew that fear! He focused on the love for her that he felt in his heart, a love so strong as to make her greatest terror an impossibility. She couldn't help but feel that love through their bond and it eventually gentled the fear out of her.

They sat together quietly for a while. Jake continued to gently rock her. After speaking with Mo'at, he had thought very carefully about what to say. When it was time he spoke softly "You never stopped Seeing me, you know."

Neytiri's head came up in shock.

He cupped her cheek in his hand "Think. If you hadn't rejected me, I would never have had to tame Toruk to restore your faith in me. I would never have thought to gather all the clans, or pray to Eywa for her help. The Omaticaya would have faced the Sky People alone. They, and the Tree of Souls, would have been destroyed."

Neytiri shuddered; his analysis was all too accurate. Jake slid his hand under her chin and made her look up at him before continuing "I believe that Eywa _made_ you reject me temporarily, so that I would tame Toruk, gather the clans, warn her, and save the Tree of Souls. I believe you were only doing what She made you do, in order to save us all. How could I hold that against you, after all that Eywa has given me?"

Neytiri was in shock of a different kind now. What he described was so typical of the way Eywa worked that she had no doubt that he was absolutely right. A huge weight fell off of her heart and she looked at her mate in wonder "You are wiser than even I knew, Jake Sully."

His return smile was brilliant. He leaned in to her, grinned, and replied "Even if I am a _skxawng_." The sound of her laughter filled the air.


	2. Chapter 2

Neytiri watched her mate finish a second large fruit with fondness. It was going to be a glorious day, and they had nothing to do but be with each other. A perfect day. She gestured to him when he looked up at her. "Come, I want to do your hair. It looks like a riti's nest." Jake laughed and teased, "I think you're just looking for an excuse to have your hands on me."

She blushed, and replied with a shy smile "Do you mind?"

His eyes twinkled. "No." He willingly came over and laid his head in her lap, and she began removing the many small ties and decorations in his hair. Before long, she was humming happily.

Jake closed his eyes and enjoyed having his mate fuss over him. After a while, he thought of a question. "Neytiri, can you tell me – what does it mean, exactly, to be tsahik? I know your mother is Tsahik for the tribe, and that she interprets the will of Eywa, and that you will be the next Tsahik. Is that because Mo'at is your mother? I've watched her conduct ceremonies, with you and a couple other Omaticaya. I see her teaching, too. And she's one of the Elders."

She was thoughtful for a minute, then said "Tsahik is like Olo'eyctan" and paused before continuing. Then she explained. "All Na'vi are taught to use a knife, but few become warriors. The best one of the warriors becomes Olo'eyctan."

Jake nodded to indicate that he understood her so far.

Neytiri continued her analogy. "All Na'vi have a queue." She gave Jake's a gentle tug. "They can make tsahaylu with any of the Sacred Trees and be able to hear Eywa." She finished undoing one of the small braids in his hair and started on another. "Some have such a strong connection to Eywa that they can hear Her in other ways, without having to make tsahaylu. These are called tsahik. The tsahik with the strongest connection to Eywa becomes the next Tsahik for the tribe. Mother was the strongest of her generation, and so became Tsahik when it was time. It sometimes happens that the child of a Tsahik will become Tsahik also, but not always."

He was curious. "What about the ones in your generation?"

"You know Tiri," she stated, and waited for his affirmation. "She hears Eywa through the plants. An'nai hears Her voice in the sound of the waters."

Jake was interested. "And you?"

She smiled and softly replied "I see and hear Eywa almost everywhere, when I look and listen. I hear her in the wind, I see her in the ikran flying through the sky, in the glow of the plants at night, and in the songs of the People. That is why, whenever there is a great ceremony, you will see Tiri, An'nai, and me attending Mother, and why the four of us will be the only ones not making tsahaylu."

"Because you can hear Her well enough without it" Jake said wonderingly.

She made a small sound of assent. They were quiet for a time. Neytiri finished with Jake's small braids and gently gathered his queue in her hands and started undoing the braided hair that surrounded and protected it.

A queue was essentially an extension of the Na'vi spinal column, though containing only sensory and not motor nerves, joining to it at the base of the skull. The innermost core of nerves (from which the end-filaments emerged) was surrounded by an insulating layer, then by a thick protective cartilage layer, and finally by a layer of skin that grew prodigious amounts of hair. The earliest Na'vi had quickly learned that braiding this hair around the nerve-shaft gave additional physical as well as thermal insulation. When a queue was severed, as Tsu'tey's had been, the excruciating sensory feedback would build and keep building until the entire nervous system shut down, resulting in death.

The hair tended to get dusty and oily over time, as hair always did, and needed periodic care. Neytiri spoke softly as she worked. "It is custom that only hair-workers or those who are very close care for one's queue. A parent may care for their child's queue, or mates for each others'."

Jake couldn't resist. "Do I get to braid your hair?"

Neytiri laughed merrily. "You would probably make it look worse afterwards than it was when you started!" She didn't see his eyes flash mischievously, and lightly slapped his shoulder. "Done. In the water with you!"

They sported in what was a small river for some time. Jake was amazed that there could be such a thing as a river on what was essentially a big rock floating in the sky, and didn't even bother trying to figure it out. When they'd both soaked thoroughly, Neytiri pulled Jake to the shore and had him sit in the shallow water. She went to the riverbank for a moment, whispered a short prayer of thanks, and pulled up a plant that had a fat root.

She brought it over to Jake and crushed the root over his head; it yielded a soapy liquid that she used to shampoo him with. When he was thoroughly lathered up, she drew her knife and began carefully shaving the sides of his head in the warrior-style.

"Scared the living daylights out of me when I woke up the first time after you'd done that." Jake chuckled. "I thought I'd gotten some kind of disease that was making my hair fall out!"

Neytiri smiled, but kept her attention on what she was doing. "If you move too much, or make me move, you may lose more!"

He grinned and closed his eyes – and kept still till she was finished. The mineral-heavy tooth that made up the blade of her knife had an edge as sharp as obsidian, and he didn't even want to _think_ of it slipping!

She sent him back into the water to rinse off when she was done, then had him join her on dry ground so that she could rebraid everything. He fell asleep under her gentle touch before she was done.

Neytiri tied off the last small braid with satisfaction, and was very content to sit still and cradle his head in her lap. She caressed his braids lightly and thought _Sleep well, my Jake, my beloved. I – and my queue - will be here when you awaken. _


	3. Chapter 3

Jake awoke near noon, and looked to his side; Neytiri was still asleep, spent. He did his best to be quiet as he got up, so as not to disturb her.

He walked into the nearby river and sat down at a comfortable spot where the water came halfway up his chest. The current was gentle, this far away from the falls.

He bowed his head and closed his eyes as a wave of bitterness passed through him. The memory of a sweet dream ran through his mind; though sweet, it was also incredibly cruel, given his situation. Jake castigated himself for being such an ingrate, but he couldn't stem the longing in his heart one bit. A muffled sob finally escaped him despite his best efforts.

Within moments, the sound of disturbed water reached his ears; warm hands came to rest on his shoulders. _Should have known,_ he thought.

Neytiri's beautiful voice reached out to him. "Jake, what is it? You are upset."

He patted her hand and tried to brush it off. "It's okay. I'm all right. It's nothing."

She didn't buy it, and came around to his front and knelt in the water. Concern was written all over her face. "You are in pain, that is something." She reached out and laid a hand on his cheek. "Tell me, please."

With his eyes closed he took her hand, kissed it, and held it like a lifeline. It took him a while to gather himself enough to speak. It was so hard to look into her face, but he owed her the truth. "Neytiri, you saw that the legs on my human body did not work" he began.

She nodded encouragement, and he continued. "The reason I came to Pandora in the first place was that I was promised that my legs would be healed if I helped the Sky People work with the Na'vi." He was simplifying things a bit, but the essence of the situation was there.

His mate's face was understanding; she could well imagine how that promise would draw a crippled man.

Jake continued, "When I got here, and came into my dreamwalker body for the first time, it was like a miracle." He gestured at the body he was in. "For the first time in years, I had legs that I could feel. Toes that I could move. I could walk. I could run! I could feel the ground underneath my feet."

Neytiri smiled and caressed his face.

He looked directly at her. "Then I met you. You showed me so much, things I had never thought of before. You taught me how to See. I began to See how good this place is, how good the Na'vi are, how good Eywa is. I guess that's why I also Saw that the Sky People who sent me to you were not the people I first thought they were."

His mate's face was full of sympathy as his voice went soft. "Eywa let me become Omaticaya. She made us fall in love with each other." He looked down and almost shyly touched the back of her hand as it rested on her thigh. "She let us become mates."

Neytiri's eyes shone with love for him. He continued in a stronger voice. "She sent the younger brothers and sisters to help us win the war. She kept you safe for me. She put me in this body so that I could be here permanently."

Jake looked into Neytiri's eyes and the pain he felt began to show. "Eywa has given me so much more than I ever expected to have, more than I'd hoped to get by coming here. I should be on my knees every day thanking her for what she's already given me – not whining about the one thing I can't have. I should be slapped for being a greedy bastard after all that she's given me."

Neytiri picked the important piece out of his increasingly bitter monologue. "What you cannot have? What is it that you cannot have that makes you hurt so much?"

He hung his head and felt his face start burning with shame for his selfishness. "Neytiri, you know that this body I wear is dreamwalker, not Na'vi." She was puzzled, but nodded. Jake looked at her again. "A dreamwalker body is part Na'vi and part human. Because of that," he took a deep breath, "there are things about this body that don't work they way they should."

She looked at him uncomprehendingly, completely clueless.

His voice became rough with shame and longing. "Neytiri, I can't give you children." Jake looked up at her in misery. "And I want them. God help me, I want them so badly. I never did before, but that was before I fell in love with you." His eyes closed and his shoulders started shaking.

Neytiri automatically gathered him into her arms and held him while he wept bitter tears. She was absolutely astounded. A quiet impulse arose inside her, from a place that she had learned to pay attention to back when she was very young. She closed her eyes and Felt everything around her.

It all seemed normal. While Jake continued to weep, she tightened her focus down to exclude everything except her own body. Still normal. Trembling a bit, she focused even more tightly, to the child-home inside her. All she found was the normal, dancing energy of superb health, hers and his.

Neytiri breathed a sigh of relief and let her concentration dissipate, returning her awareness to her now-quiet mate. She said his name softly to get his attention. "Jake."

He looked up at her with red-rimmed eyes.

She cupped her hands under his jaw. "Do you remember when Eywa took you out of your Sky People body and took your spirit into Herself?"

It was such an unexpected question that it momentarily brought him out of his bout of self-pity. "Yes. Why?"

Her expression was approving. "Do something for me now. Remember what that felt like. Remember what it was like to be with Eywa."

He was puzzled, but he couldn't deny her anything. He focused – and she immediately saw the expression in his eyes change. She asked softly "Do you remember?"

There was no way Jake could ever forget. The impressions he had Felt came pouring back into him as if he was experiencing it all over again.

_The whole damn planet is alive! It's all one thing! Every living thing on this planet is literally part of this… one… huge… aware… being…._ His mind had been overwhelmed by the vastness of a benign sentience that he couldn't even begin to comprehend. Like cells in a body, every plant, animal, and Na'vi was whole unto itself and also one part of a vast harmonic whole. It was real, intelligent, beautiful beyond imagining, and its entire purpose – was the enjoyment of being alive. If an amoeba had been able to look up at a human being, it might be similar to what he Felt upon coming "face to face" with Eywa.

His mate's voice came to his ears as if from very far away. "Jake. Remember Eywa. If She wanted your body to make a child, would it?"

Eywa could excise a specific electron from a specific molecule from a specific gene in each cell of his body simultaneously with infinite ease, without him even being aware of it. He didn't need to consider the question. "Yes."

Neytiri caught Jake's eyes with hers. That single, spoken "Yes" echoed between them until it pulled his awareness out of the Eywa-memory and back into the moment.

Jake's mind caught up with that "Yes" in a rush. What he had been taught about his avatar body collided with the reality of the Being that he had directly experienced.

What he had been taught shattered and crashed to the ground.

Neytiri spoke to him quietly. "Jake, whether or not any Na'vi has a child has always been in the hands of Eywa. You are no different. If She decides it, then She will make it so. If She does, I welcome it. If She does not, I still have more than I had ever hoped to have, because She has given you to me for my mate. If that were all that Eywa ever gave me, it would be enough."

Jake suddenly leaned forward and wrapped his arms around her body.

She started stroking his hair. "Leave it in Eywa's hands, my Jake," she said softly. "Every day is another opportunity for Her to say 'yes.'"

He hugged her hard as hope came alive in his heart. Neytiri's tension eased off as she felt the change in her mate. Then movement seen out of the corner of her eye caught her attention, and she looked up. She couldn't help but smile.

In the updraft from the flowing river water, atokirina were dancing.


	4. Chapter 4

It was the last day of Jake and Neytiri's honeymoon. The past seven days had been without question the best of their lives. They had made tsahaylu often, and it had changed both of them.

Directly experiencing Neytiri's love for him, her need for him, had completely removed all of Jake's insecurities about the relationship – as well as any qualms about the rightness of his decision to occupy his avatar permanently. It had made him an even stronger, more confident person. He had never thought it possible to love someone so much. He needed Neytiri like he needed air to breathe, and for the same reason; to keep his heart beating. To have someone see into the depths of his being and still love him completely was a reality-altering and very humbling experience.

Neytiri had discovered an entirely new part of herself, one that she had never known existed. She'd seen other newly-mated women mooncalfing over their spouses, but she'd never felt anything like that for any man until Jake came along. He was a good man, honest, loyal, caring, and kind. He desired only her, and with all his heart wanted her to be happy. She wanted more than anything to make him happy in return. Neytiri understood her mother so much more now; the bond she shared with Jake was so deep that she doubted she'd have the strength to survive if she lost him.

They had spent a great deal of time just resting in each other's arms. The knowledge that they would be able to do so every night for the rest of their lives was more than comforting. Being together was the greatest happiness that they desired.

They had addressed a number of issues during the past week. Jake had regretted not being able to console Neytiri when her father had died. She was finally able to share that pain with him – and then had been able to share the good times she had had with her father. Jake learned a great deal about being Olo'eyctan from the stories she told. She had many fond memories. He loved the way that her whole face lit up when she smiled, and resolved to make her smile often.

She in turn had been concerned about all that he had left behind. Neytiri had attended Grace's school for years. She'd seen the Sky People's machines, had been inside Hell's Gate when they'd thrown the intruders out. She knew that Jake came from a completely different world, and was worried that he would miss it, that he had perhaps given up too much. He had linked his queue to hers and let her see for herself that he had no regrets, no more remorse, and that he was happier with her on Pandora than he had ever hoped to be.

A new life awaited both of them. The entire world looked fresh and new to Neytiri now. Her appreciation of and gratitude to Eywa had grown enormously. When she thought of all that Eywa had done to bring Jake to Pandora, to provide him with a new body, to make him part of the People, to give him to her as her mate…. It was humbling beyond all measure to think of all that She had done to bring her the love of her life. Neytiri would be fervently grateful as long as she lived.

For Jake, the new life would be very new indeed. Three months had given him nowhere near the fluency in the Na'vi language he would need. He'd barely touched the tip of the iceberg as far as the culture went – the customs of the People were mostly unknown to him. Add to that the fact that he was now the leader of over a thousand people, responsible for their welfare – well, he would be leaning on Neytiri very heavily for the foreseeable future. He was content to take it all on, for one reason. One brilliant spark that overshadowed the rest, and always would: Neytiri was his. Forever.

They spent the day relaxing in the warm sunshine and ever-present breeze. Tomorrow they would return to the Omaticaya, where Jake would take up the full responsibilities of Olo'eyctan to a badly wounded clan, with Neytiri at his side. With their own wounds now healed, they would be able to care for the People well. For today, though, they were content to rest.

***

_Finis_

Author's Notes: I hope everyone's enjoyed my little "Honeymoon" mini-arc. I had to end it on a positive note; it **is** a honeymoon, after all! My apologies if I haven't quite gotten the hang of managing documents on the site yet!

I want to give a kudos to Skoedaddy; he was the first reviewer to See that all my shorts "fit together like chapters in a bigger story." Surprise! They do indeed, and that's intentional on my part. Teh fluff has teef! LOL

"Clouds" is my bridge between the first and second Avatar movies; look for a lot of development to happen there. For those who commented on it; yes, I am working on a pregnancy arc. I'm sure we're all expecting it to be a significant part of Avatar 2, so I want to give it all due consideration. It'll be fun to see how close I can come to what actually happens in the second movie!

Many thanks to everyone who's taken the time to read my stories and to those who have offered reviews. Your feedback keeps me jazzed to sit down at my pc and write more!

Jerathai


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